Bits or Pieces
If you don’t have something nice to say, say it right to their face.
—   Myles Kelly
The most beautiful sight mine eyes hath ever seen.

Dear Diary,

Today outside the mall, I saw in the distance two delivery vans parked right next to each other: one FedEx, one UPS. I expected that the drivers would be having a literal fistfight over which company had the prettier logo, or better customer service, or better cost-care-speed ratio (or something silly like that). So naturally, I walked on over to the trucks, to see how the fight was going down, and perhaps start a betting pool. But what I found on the other side of the truck amazed me: the two drivers weren’t going at each other with forearm shivs; rather, they were chatting happily while they worked! If I hadn’t known otherwise, I’d have guessed that they were best friends!

It may sound silly, but I think this was one of those ‘everyday beauties’ that I often hear about.

It’d be weirder if you weren’t aroused.

It’d be weirder if you weren’t aroused.

Imagine a piano keyboard, eh, 88 keys, only 88 and yet, and yet, hundreds of new melodies, new tunes, new harmonies are being composed upon hundreds of different keyboards every day in Dorset alone.

Our language, tiger, our language: hundreds of thousands of available words, frillions of legitimate new ideas, so that I can say the following sentence and be utterly sure that nobody has ever said it before in the history of human communication: ‘Hold the newsreader’s nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers.’ Perfectly ordinary words, but never before put in that precise order.

—   Stephen Fry (of ‘A Bit of Fry and Laurie’ fame, amongst other things)

A while back, my dorm building played a friendly game of assassins. Naturally, we were required to report in after each kill. This was boring, and I also happened to have free time on my hands. So I wrote up these reports.

This lady liked two things: 1) swearing loudly when there were kids nearby; and 2) bending over.

This lady liked two things: 1) swearing loudly when there were kids nearby; and 2) bending over.

Friends are relatives you make for yourself.
—   Eustache Deschamps
My roommate, ‘Hoe’

My roommate (I’ll refer to him as ‘Hoe’ so as to protect his privacy) likes to answer his phone using his outside voice. At 2AM. Hoe likes to follow that by going out for a crazy night. On a Tuesday.